the past 365 days

2 0 1 9.

Sometimes you have this idea going on in your head during the start of the year
of where you want your life to be in, what you want to achieve and so many other plans
and somehow life just throws you in a completely different direction.
That's just how this year went by,
most of the things that happened this year were unexpected,
you have an idea of it possibly happening but when it does
it's a completely different experience.






Most of the unexpected things that I'm talking about turns out
to be one of the greatest memories
I like going back to when I'm down or sad
or just reminisce about when I am older.






I may have been able to experience so many good things this year,
being able to visit places I didn't expect I would be able to in my lifetime,
but it is not always smooth sailing though, every year isn't.
One of the challenges this year brought
is that crippling feeling that I am no longer creative enough
just like how I was back then, some days feel like I'm losing the feeling of
how it was like back then.

To be honest, I almost gave up on photography and everything
that goes with creativity at some point this year.

I was on the verge of giving up,
but somehow as stubborn as I am, I still kept on fighting.






These are the battles I try overcoming each year,
and it's a good thing I'm not easily discouraged even when I am at my lowest.

It's innate in me to want more and do more creatively in my life,
it's just that last year, I got so drained
physically and emotionally trying to do such things
that it took a toll on me this year.
But after months of no longer putting pressure on myself to try to be greater,
I was able to function properly again.
It took months, but I'm back on my feet again.

During the tough times I was going through this year,
I remind myself all the time
to pause and take a break when I'm at my lowest;
to  get up and fight on when I'm already good to face the challenges again;
and to be okay when it doesn't work out the way I want it to.

And sometimes it doesn't always work out the way we want it to,
and that's okay.

That creative pause allowed myself to heal again,
it's no guarantee that I can create more 'good' creative content,
but the willingness to do so is still there;
it will be gone for some days,
but it will always come back to me.

As I am writing this on the last night of the year 2018,
I can hear the sound of the fireworks from the distance,
reminding me that a new year is approaching.
As how most of my close friends would confide in me
on how the year went by for them, I also felt that this was one tough year indeed.
It felt like it could go on forever with the challenges it brought for us as adults,
but I am glad we were able to stay tougher than what was meant to bring us down.
And if there were times it may have succeeded in doing so,
it brought a lesson for us to learn from.
 




I am writing this annual blog mostly for myself,
a tradition I started a few years back, something I almost gave up on last year,
but a little rest, a lot of considerations, talks with friends,
and giving importance to family and loved ones, made me think otherwise.
I needed to continue writing to express myself,
my thoughts and my gratitude towards the people who matter in my life.
The same ones who gave me advice when I needed it;
who listened when I needed to talk;
who stayed when I felt alone;
who shared the joy, the pain, the roller coaster emotion of it all;
the ones who keep showing their support and love
as we keep following a dream to live creatively.








I don't always remember my dreams a lot, but on the eve of Christmas this year,
I had a vivid dream of a loved one who passed away years ago.
I may have not allowed myself to grieve much when he passed,
because I felt I needed to be tough,
but in my dreams I felt the warmth of his hug, an assurance that everything is going to be okay.
I woke up in tears, thinking how much I have missed him.

That dream had so much effect on me, it gave me back motivation
to work much much harder at my goals for the coming new year,
a goal to continue to inspire with my art.

I don't usually have an idea of what is in store for the upcoming year,
but in a long while I am at ease in the thought of facing what lies ahead.
If somehow I do forget or if I am feeling a little down,
I will look back on this memory to help me keep going.


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Looking back now, if without these photographs from the year 2017,

I would not be able to have an exact sense of what went on that year.

The first half of that year, I was lost. 

A year before that, I honestly thought I had it all pieced together.

But following your art again after a hiatus has its struggles.

I do not know how I was able to survive,

but I made it, barely.

These works of mine are the product of when I decided to get my art back on track.

even when I failed to see that for myself.

 

To my family and friends.

I will always forever be grateful

to all of you.

Thank You!

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